The days of my kids not asking me for insufferable toys, that make me cringe, are numbered. Here are a few that I still can’t get over.
Pet Rock This has to be the saddest solution to not allowing your children to have pets. Getting a kid a fish is a way to teach them responsibility before letting them get a cute little puppy or kitten, getting them a Pet Rock is like slapping your kids and telling them they are so stupid that they are only allowed to have something that has absolutely no possibility of dying or getting seriously injured. The fact that someone marketed this and sold it is even more astonishing, NO, what is astonishing and truly pathetic is that America bought it.
Pogo Ball This one is really stupid but also kind of fun, if they were easy to use. The problem is that you must have some sort of athletic prowess to get that damn thing off the ground. How am I supposed to jump around the driveway saying “The wonderful thing about Tiggers is Tiggers are wonderful thing,” if I am denied such bounce ability?
Paper Jamz So I am not completely familiar with how these things work, but from what I gather, they are cardboard versions of musical instruments that make noise, and help you not suck. Look, if you are a kid and you have no musical skill, you should not be lied to by crap you can purchase at Wal-Mart. Get your kid an actual instrument and hope for the best.
Finger Skateboards These have been around for nearly 30 years, something I just learned. I remember seeing these when I was in junior high and being completely baffled by the need for such a stupid trinket (I have a real problem with excessive and unnecessary things). Apparently some people do little tricks with their fingers, which would be cool to present some sort of request to a skater if you are unable to put the neat trick into words because you don’t know the lingo. That is the only example of when these things might be cool.
Stretch Armstrong/Doll– I knew someone who had a stretch Armstrong, we used it once, I never cared to play with him again. The trick is getting the kids into the stores because they want to try it once. Perhaps a generation of curiosity, or perhaps a generation of kids who wouldn’t let their friends try out their lame toy. A similar toy was the stretch doll, something I remember wanting when I was about 9 years old. I can’t find it online anywhere, so maybe someone can remind me of the name of it. It was a doll that had these stirrups at the feet so that you could do flips and such with the doll. I have no idea why I wanted this insanely stupid thing, but I did. My mom bought me a knock-off of the one I wanted, I put it on and quickly ripped it in half due to being a 5’7 nine-year old. True story.
Cleaning Trolley/McDonald’s Register– Do we really need to have children dreaming of a future in which they work at Mcdonalds or become housekeepers? It’s probably going to happen anyway, why rush it?
Doodle Bear– This is my favorite and least favorite of the stupid toys. Drawing on a bear seems to give children the impression that you should be writing on stuff that isn’t paper. My son already draws on walls and anything else in his path with any writing utensil he can get his grubby little hands on, Doodle Bear, you are the devil!
What toys do you remember from your childhood that seem totally unappealing now?