Confessions of a mother, who is also a normal person.

The very title of this post seemed obvious, but I still had my reservations. There seems to have been an overwhelming amount of Confessions of a … There was the teenage drama queen, the call-girl, shopaholic (book and movie) sociopathic social climber (ill-fated post Party of Five, Jennifer Love Hewitt movie, although they were all ill-fated really) and I’m sure a plethora more that I cannot recall off-hand. So, I was trying to shy away from such triteness, and then I realized the amount of web traffic that I might stumble upon.

So here are a few things I admit as a mother, things that Parents magazine would frown upon. Sure hope the mommy mafia doesn’t come after my ass.

1. Gluten free is for pussies. I do not worry about corn starch or gluten. My kid will not be a vegan or vegetarian. If they choose to be, down the road, that is their choice, but I will not enforce it. I ate everything I wanted as a kid, Kudos bars, Pop-Tarts, whatever, and I turned out to be a very healthy adult.

2. Furthermore, allergies? So peanuts, well my kid loved peanuts. I gave it to him at a young age and he is still crazy for peanuts and peanut butter. The risk of choking could be seen as an issue, but seeing as my kid is not an idiot, if he chokes or is about to, he simply yanks the food from his throat. If he is unable to do it, I get in there. All is well, not the end of the world. I also feed him melon, tuna, and all of the other allergy no-nos for children under 2.

3. My son finds personal items of mine and tries to emulate mommy. He has opened a tampon and stuck it down his pants. He has found my vibrator, turned it on and said “ooooh, look”, he has also found a box of condoms, and chewed on one. The cutest and most innocent moments are when he walks in my heels or puts on my bra. He’s 23 months old, it’s all adorable.

4. I curse around my kids. When other people are around, I am totally hypocritical and tell them to watch their mouths, but when I am alone with my kids, it’s like a George Carlin routine.

5. I let my kids watch whatever they want. I have only one rule in my house, no “Two and a Half Men”. Well to broaden that statement, I don’t mind my kids watching something that is deemed inappropriate for kids. My major concern is quality, if something sucks and is just poorly made, I think that is going to negatively affect him much more than seeing Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhaal having fake sex.

6. I don’t miss my kids when I am out and I rarely like to talk about them. If I spend an evening with friends, I leave the kids with someone I trust completely, so I never have to worry about them. They are safe and having a good time, so why shouldn’t I? If someone asks me about how the kids are, I simply say that they are great, wonderful and perfect. That is all. I do not need to divulge sweet antidotes, or show them the latest pics of them doing something adorable. I know my kids are awesome, I don’t need to share it every chance I get.

7.When my son runs into walls, I crack up. If something is legitimately funny, I laugh.

8. My kids have received their vaccinations, and I never gave it a second though. Medicine is to help prolong life, scientists know their shit. Allowing your kids to get healthy through faith healing? come on, no seriously, come on.

Those are the things that I immediately think of, as being a little wrong. I am sure there are more, and I will share them in the future. Admit a politically incorrect thing you do as a parent.

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